i love you xxx
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((Dedicated to my long lost love. I miss you. Rest in peace.))
Once upon a time
A boy loved a girl
And she did too
They were meant to be
Of one heart
Making each other
Once upon a time
A boy left a girl
The doors of heaven
Into a million pieces
Never to be united
I have grown
As time passed
My hatred towards him
Or so I thought
But there were moments
When I couldn’t help it
But the bitterness
Just seeped in
It weighed me down
Crushing my whole being
And plunging me
Sometimes I thought
I had moved on
Other times I secretly cried
Said it was over
But the mention of his name
Brought it all back again
Now I’m on the verge
Of a new beginning
And perhaps it’s time
To let it go
A part of my heart will
Always hold on
But I can’t have him
As the centre
Of my universe
To let it go
I have to close my eyes
And not think it over
He was long gone
Even when we were
And it’s time
To let it go
Time can heal
The wounds of love
Will keep hurting
Stop and ponder
Is it worth it
To be damaged
Thus it’s time
To let it go
No more moping
In the sorrows of the past
There’s a new light
In my life
A ray of hope
I have to reach it
And for that
Let it go.
It’s a terrifying word.
It depicts the unknown.
And that’s what makes it so scary.
No one can predict the future.
No one can change it.
Until it becomes the present.
You don’t know what is going to happen.
You don’t know if your dreams will be crushed or fulfilled.
You don’t know if it will bring luck or misfortunes.
You don’t know if it will bring love or heartbreak.
You don’t know if it will bring friendships or enmities.
You don’t know if it will bring success or rejection.
You don’t know anything, really.
So you’re left in the darkness, surrounded by shadows of doubt and uncertainty.
Only time can answer.
All you can do is wait.
Its hard getting by weeks after weeks, all the while doubting everything. And soon you realize that there are no hopes for you to live up to. The people who are supposed to be your family have already given up. They’re just waiting for this business to be over so that they can just make up lies to whoever asks about you. Your hard work is never good enough for them. They will always want more. Even if you get praised by others, they still aren’t impressed. They will act like it. Put on a facade. But by their facial expressions you can already tell how disappointed they are. You hear their whispers behind your back. You are not growing up to their expectations. You are not and will never be the perfect child. Well, they already have a perfect child, so why would they even have any hopes regarding you? You are messed up. You are broken. You are not worth it. No true praise ever left their lips for you.
Lies. Lies. Lies. All lies. They never truly believe that you would ever amount to something great. Well your definition and their definition of ‘great’ differs quite a lot. So why are you even bothering with it? What’s the use of stressing yourself out? What’s the use of night after night spent sleepless, worrying about the next test? What’s the use studying until you are physically and mentally sick? What’s the use in losing friends because you’re too wrapped up in trying to impress them?
But then you know deep down that you already have lost a lot of important people because of your strive to become the perfect child. You know deep down that it was all in vain. You know deep down that its over, the damages incurred cannot be mended anymore. You are completely disheartened and questioning all your worthless efforts.
So what do you do?
What can you do?
Well that’s the answer itself.
Once upon a frosty morning, realization hit upon me. Soon I was going to be starting a new phase of life.
School was going to be a thing in the past. The future was still unknown, and that’s what scared me. Was my future going to be bright? Dark? Enlightened? Misty? Thunderous? Cloudy? Calm? Terrifyingly, I had absolutely no clue whatsoever.
I knew what my ultimate goals and ambitions were, but the problem arising was which path would lead me there? Would I ever get there?
So many questions. But I had no answers. Anxiety sizzled in my mind, a nagging feeling burning inside. The future was peeking its head through translucent curtains that sheltered the surroundings of my present. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see what lay ahead.
It was then I decided that no matter what obstacles stand in my path, I would try as hard as I can to fulfill my dreams and turn them into reality. I was going to be rational yet determined. I was not going to let anyone or anything stop me. I would not rely on anything either. I would make my own destiny.
This is my life. I will make it the best I can.
To the beat of my heart I will always remember.
The way your hand fits so perfect in mine
The way you hold me tighter than anyone else
The way you know what I mean even when no words leave my lips
The way your pillow always smells of peppermint and cigarettes
The way your desk is always scattered with polaroid pictures and ashes
The way your name is the first thing I see in the morning and the one that bids me sweet-dreams
The way you flash through my mind every possible moment of every possible day
The way your skin feels against mine, warm and infinite
The way your lips leaves marks on my skin reminding me of our secret rendezvous
The way our conversations last a lifetime and range from random exclamations to deep revelations
The way we sneak in and out of each-other’s lives leaving imprints behind
But I will also remember
The way foul words leave our mouths as rage surrounds us in our own bubble
The way our personal issues highlight each other demanding attention
The way we ruin each other and then piece each other back together
The way we both are already broken and not a lot is left to exposure
The way everyone I have ever known is against the very idea of you
The way my own heart is scared of being left alone and torn apart once again
The way my brain is telling me to stop myself from falling further and further
The way my scars itch at the idea of another heartbreak
The way fear crawls and nestles itself into my mind when I hear the word ‘love’
How can two broken souls love each-other with their hearts already torn apart?
Oh darling, don’t we already know nothing lasts an eternity? That there’s no such thing as ‘forever’?
For we have already promised ourselves to fall for another, nevermore.
((I found this old writing in my unpublished works archive so I decided to post it.))
I’m tired of it all.
I’m tired of my throat constricting with sobs.
I’m tired of the wet patches and smudged mascara on my pillow.
I’m tired of the red droplets sliding down my arms.
I’m tired of a blade having to remind me that I’m alive.
I’m tired of closing my eyes and praying for this misery to end.
I’m tired of waiting for hours, days, weeks, months and years for just a word from you.
I’m tired of pondering over all the ‘what if’s and ‘what could have been’s.
I’m tired of imagining a future without you in it.
I’m tired of putting on a façade to appear just a hallucination of how I’m ‘supposed to be’.
I’m tired of my heart breaking into a million pieces every time your name is mentioned.
I’m tired of reminiscing sweet old memories of the long gone past.
I’m tired of the endless inner battles my conscience has with my mind.
I’m tired of myself.
Most of all, I’m tired of loving you.
But that doesn’t stop me, does it?
There’s this ache in my chest and I don’t know why
But then your name flashes before my eyes
Just when I thought everything had already ended
The pain, tears, heartbreak and worthlessness all blended
Together to form your image in my mind
You’re simply the biggest regret of my life
Our love was toxic there’s no way for it to hide
It slowly burned me inside while I looked for reasons to suffice
Was such a love worth destroying one’s own self?
But darling then you smiled once and I couldn’t help myself.
You kept drawing me in further and further
I’d already sold my soul to you, so now why bother?
As pieces of me scattered away, reduced to dust,
Memories we shared together all turned to rust.
Darling, you drained everything I ever was and everything I ever could be
Blindfolded and addicted I was then, but now I see
I had wasted my years for a love that was anything but pure
For a boy who doubted if I was enough, never was he sure
Now as I lay awake at night, numb with the ghosts of my past.
Trying to promise myself, this breakdown will be the last.
Moving on is the hardest, when you keep holding on
To someone whose love is long, long gone.